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14:26 - 14 May, 2005

I sincerely feel like this House, This place has won.

I am ready to throw up the white flag.

I understand now why I have been on drugs for so long.
I cannot function well in our society otherwise
I am Far too intense.
Now I understand why my friends said I was intense in my High school yearbook; because IT IS TRUE.
I am far too passionate about all the crap I'm faced with on a daily basis.
To exist knowing of all the injustice, all the bullshit I see and not to be able to do much about it, is far too painful.

I thought my getting off meds/drugs would be a victory for me. Yes, I dropped 25 lbs so far, Yes, My sex drive is even more insane than previously...Yes, I may be more healthy...but..I Miss them....

Nope. I am still miserable and fucking terrified beyond belief. I just want to put my head in my hands and cry..not cry silent, cry like a baby....
I cannot leave my house without the fear it will burn down or my landlord pulling a lie to get us removed,, even though the eviction was dismissed.
I am at the end of my fuse and afraid I will go"postal" in some way. It is such a helpless feeling...

I am not asking for sympathy or writing like the 99% of these "EMO 16 yr old male and female bitches" on this site.

I have A Serious medical problem since my childhood and I need Help

The scary thing Is I can see my 2 yr old having the "meltdowns" that I used to have, it is breaking my heart. I wish this on nobody....this is a prison sentence with solitary confinement..

Anyone who saw me would not understand why id be depressed......
I have a full head of hair. Good physical shape...Good Smile, All my teeth.
Healthy Sex Drive......3 kids, a house etc..

Who created this?
It is a poison unto itself....

somebody help me....

This house is killing me too. I pray that we get back to NY and the stress levels drop ASAP.

The animals we have are all on my shit list too, especially this cat.
If anyone wants her, you can have her...Heck Ill even pay someone to take her.

She once was the in my eyes, she's nothing more than vermin.

Lots of changes heading this way....

I have ruined lives...including my own....

You win at least you win.....


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