11:48 a.m. - 2004-10-15
To My Father......
To My Father..............
Dad,
I'm scared.....
I'm alone..
You are far away, very sick and unaware of my pain........
I was told I may never see you alive again as you are on a repspirator and your body is failing you. I have so much I want to say...So many unanswered questions. So many things I wanted to talk to you about just regarding life...YOUR life...Life in general....
You were 42 years old when I was born...You served in The CIA for 10+years, I think it was that long...You barely discussed anything regarding your past with me....
You worked long hours for most of my life at home....
We never played ball like a "dad and a son"......
We barely told eachother "I love you".....Dad, I DO love you. Im sorry I never extended the affection and love that I give to My own family and kids....You chose to be distant and I respected that. That was who you were...
Mom explained when I would ask her, that "he's just that way", "he shows his love in different ways". Yes, he took us to Disney alot and on vacation lots....Bought me anything I wanted. That was his "way", that was "your way Dad".....
I know now how important a Father is....I hope you do not feel disspaointed in the way you were as our Father...You said lots of times that you were a "failure and as a result of your sons trials and tribulations, that i was all your fault..."
It was NEVER your fault....You hear me? NEVER...
Maybe my semi paranoia and anxiety and conspiracy instincts derived from you..I dont fault you for that, it just made me wiser...........
My faith in God came from my own journeys and search....I pray every day for you and for everyone...
I had a few dreams recently about you......I feel i was in the hospital with you...
I want to talk to you once more...Im still your child.....
I know you have a lead heart...you've been through more pain than anyone could ever know and you kept it to yourself as to protect your kids from seeing you cry...from seeing you vulnerable....
I always had inklings........
I never got to really hug you...kiss you....tell you how I love you......
I will promise to take care of Mom the best I can...She's a very strong woman...
Your Grandkids will always know you and how important you are to me....
You got to see your Brothers again..Even Sonny after 20+ years...
You must not leave thinking you failed us.......Please know you succeeded...Failure is not "material."...
Your success is immeasurable.....I want you to know that......
I just wish i knew more about you Dad..Maybe that Is why I am constantly "searching???, searching for answers to everything?searching for Myself?
Please Dad....Always be with me.......
I will ALWAYS be with you.......
I Love you Dad.....
Your loving son,
Andrew
nEo
"I may not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it... "
Voltaire
